West Coast Day 7: Update from Andy (from Santa Cruz)

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So here’s the thing: Beards Joe and TJ have been doing the blogging thus far. They are hoping that I won’t notice, and that the public will look at Dave and I like we’re assholes. Well I am not an asshole; and even if I were an asshole, Dave is a way bigger asshole. He probably won’t do one blog entry this whole trip. What an asshole.

I think this is day 7 of this tour: the quarter-month mark. Only a little over half of a quarter-month left to go. The time has flown by in a slow and grueling sort of way.  As I sit now, being handsome in a hotel room in Santa Cruz, my burp conjures flavorful memories of the delicious dim-sum dinner Dave and I devoured delightfully in Dan Frandisco’s “Dina Down District.”

…Sorry, I just got a little carried away with alliteration and may have skewed some facts. But facts are secondary. What is important that is that The Beards of Comedy are getting super rich off of this tour.

At any rate, I suppose you guys want to know how the show at Purple Onion went. It was really fun. Dave ate this peanut butter cookie…I think something was wrong with it.  Shortly after eating the cookie, he appeared glassy-eyed, and hungry.  It was some kind of strange food poisoning that makes you really hungry.  Dave said he’s dealt with it before, and thank goodness he pulled through in time for the show.  There were, however, some lingering effects from the poisoning: slight delirium, laughing at his own crowd work, punching a heckler in the face…ok, the last one didn’t happen, but you were about to get really excited about this blog entry.

I told every joke that I have the funnest time doing. The crowd was basically like: “we love you no matter what, so we want you to do that thing about killing the girl with the shovel” …you know without saying it.  I have an album on vinyl, “The Smothers Brothers: Live at the Purple Onion.”  It’s one of ma faves, and it was cool to know that I was standing in the same spot they were making people laugh not quite as much as they did.  All the Beards had a great time at the Purple Onion and Chris Garcia, our special San Fran guest spot, did a wonderful job.

After the show we trucked on over (with our feet) to Punchline, where our good friends and great comedians Karl Hess, Grant Lyon, and Sean Patton were performing.  Unfortunately, I missed Karl and Grant’s sets, but I caught Sean’s and he did not disappoint as he always manages to not do.  We spent the rest of the night hanging in an amazing city with friends from the small comedy world.

Before we left for Santa Cruz, we stopped by the Rooftop Headquarters and enjoyed free pizza from Ed’s birthday.  They begged us to sign our album, and we obliged.

 

Last night’s show in Santa Cruz was also super-fun-goodtime.  It was at Don Quixote’s, which had an impressive showroom. Rooftop connected us to Andy Wood from the Bridgetown fest, who was in town on some sort of surfing/soul-searching stop off before his move from Portland to LA, so we asked if he wanted to be our special guest spot and he enthusiastically said “ok.”  He did great, and I was impressed by the raucous laughter that emanated from the chill beach people of Santa Cruz.

Today: a day off. What?! I know! We are going to find a laundromat near the beach or something. Who knows what could happen…probably laundry. Laundry could happen.

-Andy
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Next stop is Portland on Wednesday at the Beauty Bar.  It’s the only free show of the tour, and it’s at 8 PM, with special guest Richard Bain.  It’s not “free” like a free car wash either.  It’s real free.  Seriously, you can walk in the door without paying anything.

San Francisco Tonight at the Historic Purple Onion – 7 PM

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Posted by Joe

In the last twenty-four hours we had breakfast in Las Vegas, lunch in Barstow, CA,  Dinner in Los Angeles., and breakfast in San Francisco.  We drove last night after our show, and by “we” I mean “Dave.”  He took the wheel, cranked up music from “Clutch,” and stared into the dark fog like a very serious man.  I was in the back, jolting up in a dream panic every few minutes, thinking that I had fallen asleep at the wheel.  At one point I remember screaming (or at least thinking I screamed), “Dave, grab the wheel!!!,” and falling back to sleep.

With only nine hours in L.A., we packed it in.  When we pulled in, three photographers were already waiting at Julie’s appartment for a heavy duty, two hour photo shoot for the article in Atlanta Magazine.  From there we went straight to dinner with friends Charlie & Laurel & Tyler (who just moved out from Asheville), followed by the show at Meltdown, post-show at the Bigfoot Lodge, and a 1 am departure that began with a traffic jam, and ended with three hours of intense fog.

The show at Meltdown was very rewarding, and the audience was filled with friends, journalists, comics, industry, and all around fun people.  To have Kyle Kinane as the special guest was icing.  His beard is almost as formidable as his comedy.

Okay, so a little secret promo for tonight’s show at the Purple Onion, if you’re keeping up with this blog, and have a friend in San Francisco.  Tickets are available online until 5 pm (PST) http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/138670.  Enter the promo code, “BeardVIP” for half off (seven codes left at time of post).

Las Vegas Day 3 – George Maloof & His Icelandish A Cappella Trio

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Update from Joe

Early on in our show at Beauty Bar, Julie (our publicist from Better Than Nothin’) pointed out that George Maloof, of the Maloof brothers and owner of the Palms Casino, was right outside. I figured it couldn’t hurt to invite him in.
“Are you George?”
“Yes.”
“Beards of Comedy inside. You can come in free.”
(As if the owner of the Palms would care about a ten dollar cover).

The bouncer interrupted, “Oh, he’s got frequent flier miles here.”

Stupid bouncer, you live here. I only come to Las Vegas once, ever. Let me have my Maloof moment.

George said he was waiting for a “group,” which I took to mean he wasn’t coming in.

I went back inside thinking, “That’s cool I spoke with a Maloof brother,” before realizing, “No, that’s not cool at all.” I barely spoke to him. He didn’t give me money. I didn’t get a picture. Nothing. Fortunately, there would be a Maloof encore.

The Beauty Bar is a standing room only rock club and as the show progressed, the crowd of fifty spiraled toward rowdy. There was a magician/burlesque group up front who were loud and heckle-y. They were Kris Angel fans, and I wish I would have remembered that I randomly have Kris Angel’s number. I could have called him, handed them the phone, and yelled “mind freak! But I didn’t think of it, and they remained unimpressed with our lack of magic.

I went on last, as George Maloof walked in with three sparkling women. He approached the stage:
Maloof: “Can my friends sing?”
Me: “Who are your friends?”
Maloof: “They are an A cappella trio from Iceland.”
Me: “Sounds great.”
Maloof: (hands me one-hundred dollar bill)
Me: (I like rich people)

I introduced “the Charley’s” to a smattering of applause. The performance was awesome, and by “awesome,” I mean here a picture from their website:

I watched side stage, and was thankful that my set was going so well. I snapped some pics to document my new closer:

Afterward, George bought two Beard t-shirts, and asked me to plug the Palms. That’s when I realized we had just picked up a fourth sponsor: George Maloof of the Palms Casino, Sacramento Kings, and various other wealthy things.

Sponsor update:
Brown Paper Tickets
Rooftop Comedy
TrueShip Software
The Palms Casino

Everything I hoped for from that initial encounter happened, and it makes me happy to know that Maloof might wear a shirt with my face on it.

Today is TJ’s birthday and we are headed through the desert to Los Angeles for a show at Meltdowd, with guest Kyle Kinane. Kyle’s CD topped the charts this year, he filmed his Comedy Central presents, and he is an all around comedy beast. So come out, or tell a friend, or send TJ a birthday poke.

Blurry proof of George Maloof:

West Coast Tour Day 2

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Posted by TJ

Like a (suburb of) Phoenix rising from the…well, you get it.  Woke in Portales at the buttcrack of dawn…actually before it, and believe you me, Dawn needs to clean said buttcrack, it stinks.  I hopped behind the wheel of our government issue, Jack Ryan black Tahoe and proceeded to lay down 6 of the prettiest hours of scenic road miles I’ve seen in over a decade.  Seriously, for all the dry crusty boogers and huge temperature swings from day to night that the desert throws at you…this part of the country is truly majestic.  Long flat roads, views for miles, broken up intermittently by small towns usually set in the rare windy and hilly spots.  It reminds me a lot of the midwest…minus the corn and cheese curds.

Once we hit Arizona, the cartoon-esque cacti stood at attention on both sides of the highway.  Andy pointed out that they looked like throngs of people standing with both hands raised greeting us excitedly as if to say “HEY! YOU’RE FINALLY HERE!”  Yes, we are here…even the cacti know we’re a big deal…and thanks for the welcome.

Drove through the suburb of Scottsdale, on our way to our hotel in Phoenix. Apparently most of money in this area is in Scottsdale, so the best hotel deals were near the airport.  Check-in and a quick shower and we were off to the Martini Ranch for the show.  Easily one of the nicest and swankiest places we’ve played to date.  Management was super nice, great green room with veggies, humus, and all the water we could pack in our merch bag for Friday’s drive (you gotta know how to work the road…we do).

Great time at Martini Ranch.  We’ll definitely be back.  Our guest beard for Scottsdale was Mike Kennedy.  Really funny, great guy and he and his girlfriend Colby helped us locate a solid meal and a brew after show.  Joe’s college buddy Dan joined us and it became plainly obvious as the meal progressed that this bar had a substantially gay clientele and our brood was appearing like 6 bears and twink out on the town with our token beautiful and busty female friend.  That was not enough to distract us from stuffing our faces.  And, after a fruitless smart phone query we discovered that while Krispy Kreme exists in AZ, they all close by 7pm.  We’ll forgive you this time Phoenix…but you better get your shit together for next time.

TEN shows to go, come find us:

Friday Jan 21 – Beauty Bar – Las Vegas, NV

Saturday Jan 22 – Meltdown – L.A.

Sunday Jan 23 – Purple Onion – San Francisco

Monday Jan 24 – Don Quixote’s – Santa Cruz

Tuesday Jan 25 – Tonic Lounge – Reno

Wednesday Jan 26 – Beauty Bar – Portland

Thurs-Sat Jan 27-29 – Jack Didley’s – Kennewick, WA

Sunday Jan 30 – Seattle Underground – Seattle

West Coast Tour Day 1

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Posted by Joe

Day 1 went as smoothly as I could have hoped. Got to Athens at 10 p.m. and after spooning a beagle for 45 minutes of couch sleep, left with TJ at 2 AM to meet up with Justin Heckert in Atlanta, where his wife took us to the airport for a 6 AM departure. We landed in Denver at 8:10 am, where we caught the 8:12 to Albuquerque by the skin of our heart attack. At 9 AM, we stood alive and on time at carousel seven in Albuquerque, miraculously holding our checked luggage.

This was my first time flying Frontier Airlines, and I must say it is a different kind of animal. That’s what the pilot said: “Frontier, a different kind of animal.” Little odd. The pilot’s emergency airbag pitch was a five minute comedy routine, and it was as tight and polished as I’ve heard. He opened with, “Alright, did anyone lose their wallet? (I panic) OKAY, now that I have your attention, please direct your attention up front (big laugh from studio audience/me annoyed).”

I tried to ignore him because I was into a suspenseful Collin Harrison novel, but he rattled off one punchline after another – all with honed timing and big laughs from a normally tough 8 AM crowd. At the deployment part he goes “Take the oxygen mask and place over mouth. Stop screaming. Now paddle.” Pretty edgy for the mandatory deployment speech. He closed with, “If you need anything, please ask Kathy, as she’s our junior flight attendant, and quite frankly, the only one who still cares.” (Big laugh/applause break). Different kind of animal.

Once at the Thrifty kiosk in Albuquerque, I am sorry to admit we were instantly up-sold from a mini-van to a luxury SUV. It’s too early to be adding expenses, but we now have a spacious Chevy Tahoe, along with an insurance waver none of us understand. Apparently, New Mexico is “just one of seven states” where personal car insurance doesn’t help if you get in an accident (more jibber-jabber about paying crazy fees for any days the vehicle is at a repair shop). So we were “hooked up” at $14.99 extra per day for upgrade + insurance waver “thrown in.” No more soccer mom mini-van. We are now in a big black suburban that could pass for CIA.

From Albuquerque, we drove four hours back east to our first show in Portales. This was my first time to New Mexico, and we dove into the subculture with lunch at Subway. I’m not sure I knew tumbleweeds were real things, until I hit the brakes for something I thought was a boulder coming at me, before realizing, “oh, just a tumble weed. Wait, a tumble weed?” Apparently they are more than just metaphors for western ghost towns.

The show had a final audience count of 342 students, and despite sleep deprivation, it went great. It helped that Red Bulls were waiting in the green room to give us wings.

After the photos and autographs, and feeling like we did something right, I received the kind of email that you imagine powerful management companies would send, if you were doing a west coast tour in a fictional movie, or Rockband. It read, “I heard you did well in Portales. Give my office a call.” This was coming from one of the biggest managers in the industry, from one of the largest companies (if not the largest).

Who would have thought Portales, New Mexico would be the place to be “discovered.” Apparently, there is someone in the audience, who immediately after our show placed a call: “Hi, this is Betsy… yeah, sleeper agent stationed at ENMU. Beards of Comedy/great show. Email Joe Zimmerman – he appears to be their leader, based on body language and charisma.”

I imagine I’ll call the office and bumble, “Hey, so is such-and-such in today?”
“No. Of course not. May I take a message?”
“Oh, well she said to call her, because I had a good show in New Mexico.”
“What? You sound stupid. I don’t take down messages from idiots.”

Ideally, it will go more like, “OMG? Joe Zimmerman?! From the Beards of Comedy? Do you mind if I transfer one million dollars into your bank account?”
“Oh, um…well the Beards require 1.5 million as our minimum bank transfer /partnership deal, thingie.”
“How about 2 million?”
“Deal, but we’re not signing any long term contracts, and make it 2.5 million dollars.”
“Sounds great Joe, I’m glad you called.”
Eleven shows to go, come find us:

Thurday Jan 20 – Martini Ranch – Scottsdale, AZ

Friday Jan 21 – Beauty Bar – Las Vegas, NV

Saturday Jan 22 – Meltdown – L.A.

Sunday Jan 23 – Purple Onion – San Francisco

Monday Jan 24 – Don Quixote’s – Santa Cruz

Tuesday Jan 25 – Tonic Lounge – Reno

Wednesday Jan 26 – Beauty Bar – Portland

Thurs-Sat Jan 27-29 – Jack Didley’s – Kennewick, WA

Sunday Jan 30 – Seattle Underground – Seattle

The Beards head west in January

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From January 19th to the 30th, we are heading out west, and doing so in an aggressive fashion, hitting twelve shows in twelve nights, in ten different cities.  This will be four fully grown bearded men crammed into a van, digging through our wallets for gas money, and attempting to tackle these logistics in a comical fashion.

Below are dates, times, venues, and ticket information.  Please help us share ourselves with the world by passing this info along to friends, family, or just people with beards who may or may not live in the following cities (or just anywhere out west).

1/19 – Eastern New Mexico State College – Portales, New Mexico

1/20 -  Scottsdale, Arizona -  Martini Ranch
9 PM Show (Doors at 8 pm)   $10 Tickets -  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/138479

1/21 -  Las Vegas, NV – The Beauty Bar
10 PM Show  (Doors at 9)   $10 tickets – http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/138432

1/22 -  Los Angeles, CA – Meltdown  w/ special guest Kyle Kinane
8:30 (doors at 7:30)  – $10 Tickets  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/138482

1/23 – San Francisco, CA – The Purple Onion
7 pm Show (doors at 6:30) – $15 tickets  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/138670

1/24 – Santa Cruz, CA – Don Quixote’s
8 PM show (doors at 7) – $10 reservations at 831.603.2294

1/25  – Reno, NV – Tonic Lounge
9 PM show (doors at 8 pm) – $10 at inticketing.com

1/26  – Portland, OR – Beauty Bar
Free show – 8 pm (doors at 7)  – reservations (free) at http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/138480

1/27-29 –   Kennewick, WA – Jack Didley’s
8:30 Showtimes
$5-7 tickets reservations at 509.585.5665

1/30 – The Seattle Undergound – Seattle, WA
Show at 8 (doors at 7)  $10 tickets at http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/141448

Indiana Bound and stuff…

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This week the Beards hit the campus of the University of Notre Dame and the fabulous Legends of Notre Dame Night Club.  We’re definitely looking forward to a great show, making some new friends and freezing our asses off.  It’s only open to students…so, get a degree and head to the show…we’re promoting education and stuff, so you’re welcome Obama.  Here’s a little something to keep you warm, South Bend, while we’re on our way…it’s a thing, you should watch it.  Get it?